Today I have  a special guest post from, Eric!  This is in response to my posts a while back about the what infertility feels like.  This is Eric’s response to that

 

A while back ago, Sarah wrote a two part article discussing the emotional tolls that our struggles with infertility have brought to our lives. Reading these articles was difficult for me as it exposed the hurt and pain that she so valiantly tries to hide.

Sarah and I are approaching the 12 year mark of our relationship. We met in college, young and vibrant and our lives directly in front of us. I was 23, she was 18 and we were both coming into this relationship with our own secrets, issues and struggles. I was searching for myself and who I should be. This was something that I had a lot of trouble with.

My family is great. They share love and support and are always willing to help us out. However, my family could not be more different from me. Athletics and adventure was always a big staple of the household. My dad was an athlete, my mom played softball and my sister was set to be a scholarship basketball player at college. I was a nerdy, artistic, gamer dork. I always felt out of place. The only thing that I felt that I had in common with my father was the desire to be a great dad.

When Sarah and I spoke about having a family, I made mention of this. I told her this was a goal in life. Unfortunately, I had no idea the pressure that this would later bring. I could not foresee the struggles we would have in this area.

Getting married six years ago was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I had finally obtained a good job, we were living on our own and stable. Everything that I had ever wanted was now in my grasp. But she didn’t see this. She continued to see that comment that I needed a child to be happy. I had no idea that my comment had twisted itself into a statement of my dissatisfaction.

Over the years, I have talked with her about this. I need her to know how important she is. I want her to love herself, to understand how beautiful she is, to truly feel what is my reality… That without her I have nothing.

My struggles with infertility center around my inability to change anything. Sarah feels the weight of this everyday. I am not a woman, and cannot understand what the potential inability to give birth to a child may mean, that does not mean that I am not aware of the pain. Everyday, I see pain and anguish that I cannot fix. This tears me up more than she will ever know.

She often says that she feels its her fault. That if “SHE” could have kids, this would be a different life. I want her to know, and for you readers to know, that “WE” face this infertility issue together. That “HER” issues are “OUR” issues. She is not in this alone.

 

A little bit about my posts the last couple of days.  Eric and I really appreciate the positive outpouring of support from you all.  I had been back and forth for a couple of months now as to whether or not I should post those things.  They are not positive or hopeful thoughts to have.  They are the sort of the dirty little secrets of infertility that no one wants to publicly talk about.  I felt it was important to share them so that others going through this same thing know they are not alone.  Please, however, do not take what I said yesterday to be how I feel all the time.  Generally, I am a very easy going and hopeful person about our adoption.

 I wanted to try a little different of a look today.  I decided to wear my handmade shawl. This is a special piece to me.  I didn’t make it, my grandmother did.  I have had this shawl for 15 years.  This was the last thing my grandmother made for me before she passed away when I was a sophomore in high school.  While she never got to meet Eric or see the woman I have become I know she is watching over us on our journey.

 

Thank you for the kind remarks on yesterdays post.  It has been a long six year journey to get to where we are today. All of the history I shared yesterday is to give you some background for what I want you to know now.

Infertility is just one big black pit of suck!  Six years of negative pregnancy tests will make you bitter.  It has made me a bitter jealous person at times.  That is a scary thing to admit, but I want to be honest with you.  I want you to understand where I am coming from when I say some of the things I do in regards to my pet peeves with adoption and infertility.  Most commonly, the line about getting pregnant once you adopt.  I know I have expressed my frustration with that one before.  But don’t you think if it was so easy to get pregnant like that statement insinuates that it would have happened in the last 6 years?  Watching a large majority of my friends from high school and college now experiencing pregnancy and motherhood for the first and even second time is incredibly difficult.  Like I said yesterday,  I am beyond thrilled for them.  I love that I have some really really close friends that have children that Eric and I consider our nephews and nieces.  That is a blessing and I love spending time with them.

Infertility will make you question your faith.  Especially, when you hear stories about new moms who didn’t want their newborn baby so they did something incredibly terrible to it.  Or when you hear about parents being arrested because of child neglect.  How is it that God will grant us a child when we are ready yet such terrible acts can happen to newborns and children due to terrible parents?  I really cannot stand to see news stories like this any longer.  They are just too much for me to be able to handle.  I feel the grief for the loss of a child that could have had a loving happy home with Eric and I.

Infertility will make you feel alone.  Even in this digital age with blogs and Twitter and Facebook, you will feel alone.  No matter how many other stories you read of others in your same situation, there will come a moment when you feel completely and utterly alone.  That loneliness will drive you down the dark path of depression.  It can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  It is in those moments that I turn to some of my favorite adoption blogs to remind me that others have walked this road ahead of me and will help lead the way.

Infertility will make you incredibly insecure with your body.  I think the not knowing why is what contributes the most to that, as does the depression.  I worked my butt off, literately, to lose 30 lbs a few years ago.  Slowly but surely I have put all that weight back on plus some.  I have been struggling for the last year to find any motivation to workout.  I know I should because I am unhappy with the weight I am at now, it is the most I have ever been at.  Yet, here I am eating candy corn while I write this post.

And finally the biggest question that I think of often…

If I am so crafty and can create anything I want to, why can’t I create a child?

 

This is part one of a two part post about our struggles with infertility.

First and fore most, what I want you to know is that infertility is hard!  You probably could guess that, but you most likely do not understand just how hard it is unless you have experienced it.  It is my hope that I can help you understand through this post.  But first, a little history.

When I was a teenager, about 15 or 16,  I decided that I was going to live in New York City, be single, become a fashion designer and never have children.  I used to tell myself this all the time.  I most definitely did not want kids.  At 16, I was a “feminist” in that I wanted to have a career, not to be a 1950′s housewife.  I never wanted to have to depend on a husband to make me feel fulfilled. This was the plan up until my freshman year in college.  That was when I met Eric.  I was 18, almost 19, when we started dating and he was 23.  Kids was not something we talked about right away, but I still held firm to my belief that my future would be New York City, fashion design and no kids.  It wasn’t until a year or two into our relationship that we talked about it.  By this point Eric was 25 and I wasn’t even old enough to legally drink yet.  My answer was still a firm no!  At this point I made him a deal that we could talk about it once I turned 25 and we were married.

Well, 2007 came and we got married and were living in the suburbs of Chicago with our friends.   We had the talk, and to be honest, I don’t remember much of what went into my decision but we decided that we really did want to start a family and the possibilities of adopting in the future.  Our friends back in Indiana had just told us that they were pregnant with their first child and in September of that year we began trying.  We knew that we were planning on moving back to Indiana the following spring, but we didn’t want to wait to start trying then.  At this point we were not trying to hard.  I had been off of birth control for 3 years due to some other crazy health oddity it caused.  We figured that no birth control and no condoms seemed like a no brainer to us getting pregnant.  We were of the mindset that if it happens, it happens and we were in a stable enough relationship that it would be okay.  There were no ovulation tests or Clomid or any thought of ever needing them.

It wasn’t until about a year and a half after we started trying that I wondered if something was wrong.   I started seeing a women’s health doctor in addition to my regular physician because my periods started lasting for a month or longer.  There was not an explanation for that.  I was prescribed a medication called Progesterone to help regulate my cycle but supposedly still allow me to get pregnant.  I also had my first pelvic ultrasound as well as a healthy round of blood work run to check everything out.  They tested me for diabetes, PCOS, thyroid issues, and several other things that I cannot remember.  What I do remember is that they took 3 tubes of blood,  which was by far the most ever taken.   The results of every single one of those tests came back normal.  So I still had no answers as to why my period lasted so long and why we could not get pregnant. I continued with the Progesterone and monthly pregnancy test that it required.  It helped to regulate my cycle but still no pregnancy.

The next step was to test Eric.  Testing the men is by far less expensive and less invasive.  So my doctor ordered a semen analysis.  The results came back and were perfectly normal, better in fact as I later learned.  By now it was 2009 and two years after we first started trying.  By now I was in my late twenties and truly on board with the plan of having a family, with being able to create a life with the one person I loved and trusted the most.  When our friends in Chicago called to tell us they were pregnant and they hadn’t even been trying it was hard to say the least.  They are like family to us and I was thrilled for them.  Personally, however, I was devastated.  I started to work out on an almost daily basis.  I counted my calories and it paid off by me losing 30lbs.  I figured surely losing weight would help us get pregnant.  It did not and I consulted my regular doctor who set me up with a new women’s health doctor.

This doctor finally prescribed Clomid.  We did two separate three month rounds of Clomid with no results.  Before this point we had already settled on the decision to adopt but decided that this was a shot worth trying.  I know I have mentioned this a  few times before, but we have decided not to pursue any other infertility tests or treatments.  Our insurance just does not cover these things and the out of pocket costs are so close to the costs of adoption.

So now that you know about our journey, stay tuned tomorrow to read part two.

I love rainy days but they are terrible for picture taking!  Poor lighting combine with limited photo locations are not ideal. So this is the picture I am stuck with.  I am also full on sick now.  It was a miserable day at work as a result.  Luckily, I get tomorrow off!  I plan on drinking a lot of juice and water, while laying on the couch reading blogs and the newest Dan Brown book, Inferno.

 

I have a post I have been working on that is just not quite right yet.  Hopefully, I will have it finished tomorrow to post.  It is a What I Want You To Know type of post like Kristen at Rage Against the Minivan hosts.  Each one is about a varying topic and comes from her awesome readers.  I love reading these posts.  There have been a few that really hit home in regards to adoption and infertility. But no two stories are alike, so I wanted to share my thoughts about our struggles with infertility.  They are still, and probably always, very hard emotions to work through.