Thank you for the kind remarks on yesterdays post. It has been a long six year journey to get to where we are today. All of the history I shared yesterday is to give you some background for what I want you to know now.
Infertility is just one big black pit of suck! Six years of negative pregnancy tests will make you bitter. It has made me a bitter jealous person at times. That is a scary thing to admit, but I want to be honest with you. I want you to understand where I am coming from when I say some of the things I do in regards to my pet peeves with adoption and infertility. Most commonly, the line about getting pregnant once you adopt. I know I have expressed my frustration with that one before. But don’t you think if it was so easy to get pregnant like that statement insinuates that it would have happened in the last 6 years? Watching a large majority of my friends from high school and college now experiencing pregnancy and motherhood for the first and even second time is incredibly difficult. Like I said yesterday, I am beyond thrilled for them. I love that I have some really really close friends that have children that Eric and I consider our nephews and nieces. That is a blessing and I love spending time with them.
Infertility will make you question your faith. Especially, when you hear stories about new moms who didn’t want their newborn baby so they did something incredibly terrible to it. Or when you hear about parents being arrested because of child neglect. How is it that God will grant us a child when we are ready yet such terrible acts can happen to newborns and children due to terrible parents? I really cannot stand to see news stories like this any longer. They are just too much for me to be able to handle. I feel the grief for the loss of a child that could have had a loving happy home with Eric and I.
Infertility will make you feel alone. Even in this digital age with blogs and Twitter and Facebook, you will feel alone. No matter how many other stories you read of others in your same situation, there will come a moment when you feel completely and utterly alone. That loneliness will drive you down the dark path of depression. It can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is in those moments that I turn to some of my favorite adoption blogs to remind me that others have walked this road ahead of me and will help lead the way.
Infertility will make you incredibly insecure with your body. I think the not knowing why is what contributes the most to that, as does the depression. I worked my butt off, literately, to lose 30 lbs a few years ago. Slowly but surely I have put all that weight back on plus some. I have been struggling for the last year to find any motivation to workout. I know I should because I am unhappy with the weight I am at now, it is the most I have ever been at. Yet, here I am eating candy corn while I write this post.
And finally the biggest question that I think of often…
If I am so crafty and can create anything I want to, why can’t I create a child?
What a heartbreaking story, I am at a loss for words. I am sure that you have heard all of the of same statements “It will happen when it is suppose to happen”, “Perhaps it is God’s will”, “Give it more time”. All are so cliche and none will make you feel better. No, I have never experienced the pain of not having children, I have had three. I lost my son when he was almost 23 months old and I heard all of the wonderful advice to the point where I wanted to stand up and scream “SHUT UP, GET OUT, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. But I didn’t .. I sat in the corner, consumed by grief and anger. I survived. And you will too, whether you want to or not, you will survive, time will continue to move on whether you want it to or not, don’t let it destroy your life as you know it. Bear the pain and know that you are not alone, even when you are at your loneliest. No magic wands, no magic words.
Thank you!
Thank You for being so real & sharing your story. My thoughts are with you…I often wonder why God makes good people suffer more!
Thank you!
weve been trying for a baby for some time as well. i completely understand your pain. some days are worse than others. i have a sewing blog although i purposefully havent spoken about my infertility problems therein. i wonder the same thing about my ability to create things yet my body fails to create a child…its an odd & mind boggling thought. feel free to email anytime. x
Thank you! I will keep you in my thoughts!